Science: It Works Bitches

Non-Yiddish speakers, a large proportion of my blog's readership, are often told anecdotes and then told to minimize their enjoyment because the punchline "sounds better in Yiddish." They are often then subjected to gratuitous incoherent funfering.

Well today I will present to you all an anecdote which I heard in Yiddish whose punchline works much better in English! Joy!

A yeshiva boy and a heretic were once chatting about all sorts of abstract, metaphysical phenomena. The heretic was getting fed up with the yeshiva boy's thickheadness and interrupted him with a question
Heretic: What do horses eat?
Bochur: Hay
H: And what do they excrete?
B: Horse drek
H: What do cows eat?
B: Hay
H: And what do they excrete?
B: Big, flat cowpies
H: What do goats eat?
B: Hay
H: And what do they excrete?
B: Little ballies of goat drek
H: They all eat the same hay, yet the excrete such different drek! Why is that?
B: (shrugs shoulders ignorantly)
H: Well if you don't know shit, then why do you think you know about heaven?

OK. I'll admit it. The version I originally heard had the roles of the heretic and the bochur reversed. But seriously, don't you think this version makes much more sense? There's no way for an old-school yeshiva bochur to find out about animal digestive systems. But a heretic could just go to his friend the biologist, who is statistically likely to be a heretic himself, and find out why different animals make different kinds of poop.

I also lied when I said that the punchline is better in English. Sure "you don't know shit" has a double meaning in English, which it doesn't have in Yiddish. But what I translated as "you think you know about heaven" was originally something about "krichen in himmel." The verb "krichen" literally means "to crawl." But in English you can't say "Why are you crawling in heaven?" So I had to use the lame-sounding "why do you think you know about heaven." I'm sorry. This post did end with me harping about Yiddish words which cannot be accurately translated. I'm sorry.

Memories of Times Ago / Stirring the Strings of my Soul

Way back in my youth, in shiur Aleph mesivta, we learned Kuntres Uma'ayan with our not-so-venerated teacher, whom we called Larry. How exactly he got the nickname Larry was shrouded in the mysterious mists of ancient mesivta folklore. (Bochurim graduate after only three years, so folklore ages quickly there.) Anyhow, Larry would often show up late. I and one of my tablemates made up the following two songs about Larry's tardiness, which I happened to remember while showering this morning. (OK. I admit. I showered this afternoon.)

TTTO: "Always Late," from Shmuel Kunda's "The Magic Yarmulke"
Lyrics: Based on actual words said despairingly by my chavrusa early one morning
Kuntres Uma'ayan
Don't know what's flying
My notes are falling all over the floor
Ma'amer Zayin
Bechinas Acharayim
As Larry turns over in bed with a snore
Always late
Always late
Shiur Aleph they just hate
That Larry's always late

My tablemate and fellow songwriter wanted it to be "Shuir Aleph appreciates / That Larry's always late." But I thought my version fit better with the original song. Plus Shuir Aleph isn't a bunch of lowlifes who appreciate not having to learn. We are mature young men who just hate when our teacher doesn't show up.

The next song is titled "Ain't Gonna Miss Larry's Shiur." It parodies a song made by (or about?) Tiferes Bochurim titled "Ain't Gonna Miss Rabbi Lipskier's Shiur," which itself was a parody of "Ain't Gonna Work on Saturday." The Tiferes version featured such lyrical gems as "We drink ginger keil" and "We sleep on the bunk / To get closer to Havaya." I don't remember any more of it. Nor do I remember all of our version. With apologies to my past self and my tablemate, I will trascribe this song as best I can.

I was in the mikveh at seven thirty-eight
I thought that I would get it, for coming in so late
But I when I got to Mesivta
Boy, was I surprised
Larry hasn't shown up; it's already eight oh-five!
Oh!
Ain't gonna miss Larry's shiur
Ain't gonna miss Larry's shiur
Ain't gonna miss Larry's shiur
Why?
Because he never shows up.

Thank Zeus I'm American

A few months ago, you made a loan to a student on Vittana. Guess what? We've got great news.

EDUCATION CHANGES EVERYTHING Hi e, A few months ago, you made a loan on Vittana to Khoirul Anam, a student in Indonesia who wanted to study Mechanical Engineering. Guess what? Khoirul just made his first repayment! As one of his lenders, we wanted you to be the first to know. In total, this month you've received $1.05 in repayments from 1 student . Every month from now until they're repaid, you'll receive an email from Vittana notifying you of any repayments you've received. One of the most powerful aspects about Vittana is that students repay the loans you've made, enabling you to multiply the impact of the same money over and over again. If you have a minute, we'd love if you helped another student. Right now, hundreds of young people need loans on Vittana, in countries from Jordan to Bolivia to Ghana. They want to be chefs, nurses, teachers and much more. Click here to see all Vittana students. http://www.vittana.org/students Thank you for being a part of Vittana's mission and education around the world. Sincerely, The Vittana Team P.S. As always, if you have any questions or comments, please don't hesitate to get in touch with us. You can find us at community.vittana.org. Your Impact 1 Students Funded $25 Loans Made $2,816 Lifetime Student Impact

"Only the educated are free." -- Epictetus (55 AD - 135 AD)

You're getting this email because you have received repayments from one or more students to whom you lent on Vittana.
Unsubscribe e@gmail.com

Vittana

617 Eastlake Avenue, Suite 210

Seattle, WA 98109

Add us to your address book

Copyright 2008-2011 Vittana All rights reserved. Vittana is a 501(c)3 tax-exempt public nonprofit.


When I started reading this email, I thought they'd tell me that the entire $25 had been repaid. Silly me. $1.05 a month is a lot. I should just leave my scholarship-sponsored apartment and go to my government-sponsored school and learn something.

You Know You're a Math Major When...

...the left column is unintelligible, but the right column is crystal clear.

This reminds me of a joke:

A mathematician and an engineer attend a lecture by a physicist. The topic concerns Kulza-Klein theories involving physical processes that occur inspaces with dimensions of 9, 12 and even higher. The mathematician is sitting, clearly enjoying the lecture, while the engineer is frowning and looking generally confused and puzzled. By the end the engineer has a terrible headache. At the end, the mathematician comments about the wonderful lecture.

The engineer says "How do you understand this stuff?"
Mathematician: "I just visualize the process."
Engineer: "How can you visualize something that occurs in 9-dimensional space?"
Mathematician: "Easy, first visualize it in N-dimensional space, then let N go to 9."

Meshichist Anthem

Yellow flags are in the house tonight
Everybody just have a good time
Emunah pshuta'll make you lose your mind
Everybody just have a good time

Yellow flags are in the house tonight
Everybody just have a good time
Emunah pshuta'll make you lose your mind
We just wanna see you... wave that
 .
 .
 .
 Every day I'm shuckling...

And People Claim that Chabad is not Idolatry.

Hmph.

This goes through my head every time I ride the subway.

(source)
Becomes a DIGITAL SUBSCRIBER. Visitors get 20 free articles a month. Subscribers get unlimited access
--New York Times ad of which I could not find a picture online and whose text I may not recall with complete accuracy.

It appeared that there had even been demonstrations to thank Big Brother for raising the chocolate ration to twenty grams a week. And only yesterday, [Winston] reflected, it had been announced that the ration was to be reduced to twenty grams a week.
--George Orwell, 1984 (source)